i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
