you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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