I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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