I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
