You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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