When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
