i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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