he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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