dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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