dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i think i have two assholes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
