Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
