I didn't shave. On purpose
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
