when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
