Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
