my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
