You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
