Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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