gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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