Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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