Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
