Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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