4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
