I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
