you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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