and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
