fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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