It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
