I just saw a hot homeless man
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
