aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
