uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
