sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
