I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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