I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
