even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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