I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
