I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
