So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
