Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
