Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
