Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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