My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
