I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
