Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
