Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
