Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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