I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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