I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I forget how to act sober
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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