Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
