i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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