the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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