I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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