So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
