How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
