so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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