DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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